Jerks, er Jokes

So my iPhone is my go-to device for when comedic inspiration strikes. Here are a few that didn't make the cut onto my standup routine: 
**Disclaimer** These are merely jokes and do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of Anna Demars 

So I thought I liked cooking but as it turns out I like drinking wine while cooking more. And I always get to the point of buzzed when I start thinking eh, I don't need to eat, I should just have another glass. Next thing I know I'm being awakened by my fire alarm because my chicken cutlets are on fire and I'm passed out in a puddle of Yellowtail Shiraz. ---And that was just Monday. Saturday is when the meth gets brought out.

So I'm seeing this rich guy and it's been going really well. My goal is to get pregnant and be set for life- like I told him I was on the pill, I just didn't specify that it was cranberry pills. I get a lot of UTIs. And I don't even take those like I should.

Now that I'm unemployed The only way I know what day of the week it is when I take my pill. The other day I was telling my friend how I couldn’t wait to see Saturday Night Live and she informed me it was Wednesday..

What's with the selfies in dirty rooms?? Fluff a pillow, ladies!

My mom raised us by the book. Of course that book was Giving Your Children Crippling Self Esteem Issues for Dummies..

People are always telling me what I should make jokes about and it's usually stupid stuff like autocorrect. Like, where's the sex in that?

So I've been seeing a new guy lately. Every time I'm changing I see him looking through my curtains.  He thinks I can't see him. Sure, I should probably call the police but at this point I’m just grateful for the attention.

My Comedy Routine!

Found a ledge yet? Don't jump! Have a laugh at (mostly) my expense!

Melancholy Reflections

Melancholy Reflections

Here I sit
again waiting for you
to hear words I know won't bring me happiness
But still, I sit
Waiting..
What's to become of my life
our life
at once so yearned for
Yet so unfulfilled
What was once so easy
So natural and carefree
Now like trying to hold onto a fistful of sand
The ocean of tears wash away happy memories of you and I
Smiling eyes now only shed tears.

White Flag

White Flag
There was a time we swore we'd never be here
That couple
this person
this isn't who I  wanted to be
But I'd be her if it meant you were waiting at the end
Can I live with myself if I didn't try
try to fix something that was broken
Faced with uncertainty armed with naivete
I tried to win back something that was lost before I knew it was too late to find
For us, the white flag always waves.

Sappy Poem #2

This is an old poem I wrote while going through a breakup. Shocker, I know.

Four years ago
On this very day
I met the one
I could've sworn
But it wasn't meant to be
So they tell me
But still my heart cries
Still my heart cries.

My eyes don't betray the pain
my heart feels
It's best to battle on.

I mourn the living.
Your quiet steps away from me
Now echo loudly in my chest
Questions reverberate.
Hard lessons bestowed on the unsuspecting.

Green and Blue

Feeling depressed? You will soon! I like to take a break from comedic writing every now and then and bang out a sappy woe-is-me poem. This is one of those poems. *cue music from Law and Order*


Green and Blue/ 3:35 AM/Tears on Cotton/Melancholy Reflections

I'm so lonely
No one to hold me
Nothing's below me
The forgotten one

Does anyone hear me
Just want someone near me
Settle for less to relieve some of the stress

Trying to hold on
It'll be over soon
Knowing your worth but feeling no one else does

What's the lesson to be learned
Can't move forward when is love thats yearned
A life so full with voices
Now the only one is in my head

The shame is the worst of all
Everyone watching as you fall
Further and further into yourself
Given up on saving you
It's ok I gave up too

Unsure of my escape route
Do I even have the tools
Watching life happen all around me
So easy it seems for everyone not me

Wings spread but never learned how to fly
Too afraid of the ground to reach the sky
Suspended in between the two
Green and blue

How to move on?
Thought I had already
Used to wish for no more pain
Now I feel nothing and it makes me yearn for the tears
Then I knew I was alive at least

So what now
Make a plan with promises I can't keep
But what holds me back
Feeling as though soon I will crack

Where is home? I'm sick for it
Little girl lost


This is no life
For me
For anyone

Melted candles and a broken cross

Standup Routine!

Routine:

-Albany/Gods blind spot
-Gag reflex
-Freshman 15
-baby shower
-Post partum
-Immature men/private dance

-Alcoholic slut
-Valentines day
-Shave legs/EMT
-Shopping/concerned cashier
-Seven figure salary
-Dating site/Quazzi motto

Began doing comedy to get comfortable in front of a crowd so I can eventually get up onstage for this. Well, something similar to this. Ok at amateur night. That's when the real money rolls in.

I swore the next time I appeared on stage it'd be for amateur night. I can't afford to

Just to give you some background information on me, When I was in high school I struggled with bulimia.
Well, not exactly, I just had a really sensitive gag reflex.

Actually In college I started to gain weight.
You know, The freshman 15 and so forth. But strangely enough it was only in my uterus..
After falling drunk one night down the stairs I was back to a size six again. Thanks, Smirnoff!

 I went to a baby shower over the weekend  and it was weird bc ppl have begun to ask when I'll start having babies and I think- there's no way at this point in my life if be able to support myself, a baby *beat*AND my weed habit. Just no way.  Weed is expensive.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I have preemptive post partum depression.
I don't have kids, but last month I was on a flight and there was this baby screaming its head off and all I could think of was going over there and shaking it until it stopped crying.. Or breathing. I'm not picky.

Is it just me or are men getting more immature? Ever try having a conversation with a 25 year old guy?
Better be an expert on Madden 13' and jaeger bombs.
And forget about older men, they've all earned their black belts in bullshit. Unreal.
Like, these are my options?
So I've decided to leave it up to fate; if my soul mate wants to find me,   he can buy a private dance like everyone else. I'm really romantic.

I realized most of my jokes portray me as an alcoholic slut   Which isn't even close to the truth; I only drink on the weekends.

So this past valentines day was my first being single and I noticed the difference in the way ppl treat you versus if you were in a relationship. Like I got half a dozen 'and 'How's it goin today?' emails.
Hang in there, your man is out there and he's coming'.
Oh great just what I need, a guy who's cheating on me before we've even met.
Im Like, guys take it easy, ok,  I'm not gonna kill myself. I'm waiting until the Holidays to do that.

My mom tells my sister and I that she shaves her legs everyday in case she gets into an accident, and that we should too for the same reason.
I'm like if I didnt care enough to do it for my boyfriend why would I do it for some EMT?
And like, what does that say about how society treats women?
 I was just in an accident that was bad enough to require an EMT and his main concern is smooth legs?
I need 4 cc's of saline, a scalpel and a Schick ultra soft, STAT!
 Besides, what do EMTs make, like 30,40 grand a year?
Yeah,  Ill floss, but that's all he's gettin out of me.
And what's the male alternative? 'Better wax your nads before you go!'
Good thing I'm not an ER Doctor, I see a guy in need of a wax, he's flatlining. ///It's gender equality

I have always considered myself something of a performer and I love making people laugh, so I took a standup comedy class last spring, and this was my final routine. 

http://youtu.be/Zi4oFjPXn_0

I hate shopping, so when I'm out in a store I'm already mildly annoyed, but one thing that really annoys me is when cashiers are like overly friendly, like they pretend to care about your personal well being and stuff.
It's like how are you miss, got any plans for the weekend??
Like, ma'am, it's a Friday night and I'm here buying C batteries with a Magic Mike dvd I've fished out of the $1.99 bin,  What do you think I'm doing this weekend? Cut the small talk.

As a single female, I feel we're given a hard rap for expecting too much from our men.
It's like I really don't ask for much in a relationship- really I'm just looking for those three magic words-
seven figure salary.

And you know, It's tough dating these days.
It really annoys me how the blame is constantly put on the women that were single.
'It's bc your standards are too high, you don't smile wide enough, you only date married men'     ugh.
So I decided to try a dating site.
I was on for no more than eight hours and had gotten a slew of messages that were at once highly intelligent and richly poetic, ranging from,
and I quote, 'sup' to 'hey beautiful' which any woman will tell you makes your skin crawl coming from a strange man.
Unless you grew up without a father, then you're just like awww! 'Reply''

Some profiles I click on have a decent profile pic, then when scrolling thru the rest realize it must've been taken by a paparazzo's zoom lens from 10,000 ft away bc in the rest he resembles Quazzi Motto en route to the bell tower.
 At least Quazzi had a job. Turns out, a bell ringer makes seven figures so... Got myself a date tonight!