Jerks, er Jokes

So my iPhone is my go-to device for when comedic inspiration strikes. Here are a few that didn't make the cut onto my standup routine: 
**Disclaimer** These are merely jokes and do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of Anna Demars 

So I thought I liked cooking but as it turns out I like drinking wine while cooking more. And I always get to the point of buzzed when I start thinking eh, I don't need to eat, I should just have another glass. Next thing I know I'm being awakened by my fire alarm because my chicken cutlets are on fire and I'm passed out in a puddle of Yellowtail Shiraz. ---And that was just Monday. Saturday is when the meth gets brought out.

So I'm seeing this rich guy and it's been going really well. My goal is to get pregnant and be set for life- like I told him I was on the pill, I just didn't specify that it was cranberry pills. I get a lot of UTIs. And I don't even take those like I should.

Now that I'm unemployed The only way I know what day of the week it is when I take my pill. The other day I was telling my friend how I couldn’t wait to see Saturday Night Live and she informed me it was Wednesday..

What's with the selfies in dirty rooms?? Fluff a pillow, ladies!

My mom raised us by the book. Of course that book was Giving Your Children Crippling Self Esteem Issues for Dummies..

People are always telling me what I should make jokes about and it's usually stupid stuff like autocorrect. Like, where's the sex in that?

So I've been seeing a new guy lately. Every time I'm changing I see him looking through my curtains.  He thinks I can't see him. Sure, I should probably call the police but at this point I’m just grateful for the attention.