Standup Routine!

Routine:

-Albany/Gods blind spot
-Gag reflex
-Freshman 15
-baby shower
-Post partum
-Immature men/private dance

-Alcoholic slut
-Valentines day
-Shave legs/EMT
-Shopping/concerned cashier
-Seven figure salary
-Dating site/Quazzi motto

Began doing comedy to get comfortable in front of a crowd so I can eventually get up onstage for this. Well, something similar to this. Ok at amateur night. That's when the real money rolls in.

I swore the next time I appeared on stage it'd be for amateur night. I can't afford to

Just to give you some background information on me, When I was in high school I struggled with bulimia.
Well, not exactly, I just had a really sensitive gag reflex.

Actually In college I started to gain weight.
You know, The freshman 15 and so forth. But strangely enough it was only in my uterus..
After falling drunk one night down the stairs I was back to a size six again. Thanks, Smirnoff!

 I went to a baby shower over the weekend  and it was weird bc ppl have begun to ask when I'll start having babies and I think- there's no way at this point in my life if be able to support myself, a baby *beat*AND my weed habit. Just no way.  Weed is expensive.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I have preemptive post partum depression.
I don't have kids, but last month I was on a flight and there was this baby screaming its head off and all I could think of was going over there and shaking it until it stopped crying.. Or breathing. I'm not picky.

Is it just me or are men getting more immature? Ever try having a conversation with a 25 year old guy?
Better be an expert on Madden 13' and jaeger bombs.
And forget about older men, they've all earned their black belts in bullshit. Unreal.
Like, these are my options?
So I've decided to leave it up to fate; if my soul mate wants to find me,   he can buy a private dance like everyone else. I'm really romantic.

I realized most of my jokes portray me as an alcoholic slut   Which isn't even close to the truth; I only drink on the weekends.

So this past valentines day was my first being single and I noticed the difference in the way ppl treat you versus if you were in a relationship. Like I got half a dozen 'and 'How's it goin today?' emails.
Hang in there, your man is out there and he's coming'.
Oh great just what I need, a guy who's cheating on me before we've even met.
Im Like, guys take it easy, ok,  I'm not gonna kill myself. I'm waiting until the Holidays to do that.

My mom tells my sister and I that she shaves her legs everyday in case she gets into an accident, and that we should too for the same reason.
I'm like if I didnt care enough to do it for my boyfriend why would I do it for some EMT?
And like, what does that say about how society treats women?
 I was just in an accident that was bad enough to require an EMT and his main concern is smooth legs?
I need 4 cc's of saline, a scalpel and a Schick ultra soft, STAT!
 Besides, what do EMTs make, like 30,40 grand a year?
Yeah,  Ill floss, but that's all he's gettin out of me.
And what's the male alternative? 'Better wax your nads before you go!'
Good thing I'm not an ER Doctor, I see a guy in need of a wax, he's flatlining. ///It's gender equality

I have always considered myself something of a performer and I love making people laugh, so I took a standup comedy class last spring, and this was my final routine. 

http://youtu.be/Zi4oFjPXn_0

I hate shopping, so when I'm out in a store I'm already mildly annoyed, but one thing that really annoys me is when cashiers are like overly friendly, like they pretend to care about your personal well being and stuff.
It's like how are you miss, got any plans for the weekend??
Like, ma'am, it's a Friday night and I'm here buying C batteries with a Magic Mike dvd I've fished out of the $1.99 bin,  What do you think I'm doing this weekend? Cut the small talk.

As a single female, I feel we're given a hard rap for expecting too much from our men.
It's like I really don't ask for much in a relationship- really I'm just looking for those three magic words-
seven figure salary.

And you know, It's tough dating these days.
It really annoys me how the blame is constantly put on the women that were single.
'It's bc your standards are too high, you don't smile wide enough, you only date married men'     ugh.
So I decided to try a dating site.
I was on for no more than eight hours and had gotten a slew of messages that were at once highly intelligent and richly poetic, ranging from,
and I quote, 'sup' to 'hey beautiful' which any woman will tell you makes your skin crawl coming from a strange man.
Unless you grew up without a father, then you're just like awww! 'Reply''

Some profiles I click on have a decent profile pic, then when scrolling thru the rest realize it must've been taken by a paparazzo's zoom lens from 10,000 ft away bc in the rest he resembles Quazzi Motto en route to the bell tower.
 At least Quazzi had a job. Turns out, a bell ringer makes seven figures so... Got myself a date tonight!